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[blackbeastcoat]

This is Akutagawa. If you need me for whatever reason, leave a message. I'll get back to it when I have the time.

Comments

text ; un:rashomon

[blackbeastcoat]

what

i don'twant to talk.



[ It's disjointed. hastily texted almost at the five minute point. ]

[chichichi]

I'm afraid that isn't an option, Akutagawa-san.

I think you need to talk. Holing yourself up in your room alone isn't going to help.

[blackbeastcoat]

don't care.

what would you know? i dont want to see anybody.

leave me alone.

[chichichi]

I know enough.

I won't leave you alone because I don't think you actually want to be alone. I just don't think you know what to do with the pain you're feeling and that's OK. Shutting us out isn't OK, Akutagawa-san. It won't make you feel better, so please, talk to me?

If not me, you should at least talk to Chuuya and Dazai-sensei. They're hurting, too.

[blackbeastcoat]

stop it. stop telling me whats ok and what isn't.

i cant talk to them. not now. im not able to.

not like this. dont want to feel this.



[ That's probably all she'll get from him and have to come see him to talk. ]

ACTION

[chichichi]

[ Text isn't going to work. That last test solidifies that and she's on her feet before she finishes reading his last message and gone in the next minute.

For once, her steps -- quick and forceful -- can be heard as she makes her way to his door. She won't be pausing to knock, however. ]

Akutagawa-san, I'm coming in.

[ And she's opening the door to press inside. ]

[blackbeastcoat]

[ He's curled up on his bed, back facing the door.

It's not hard to miss the sound of her steps and Akutagawa knows she's coming, but his mind is not in a rational place right at the moment. A normal person would just accept the help, but him? The second he heard her voice, Rashomon was being activated and several very sharp-looking, vicious spikes all shot out from him and extended out towards the door.

They were in no danger of hurting her yet, but they were within a few centimeters of where she stood and sparking with a sort of red, electric energy. ]

I said I didn't want to see anybody.

[ His voice sounds raspy from not using it for a bit, still remaining curled up on his bed even now. ]

[chichichi]

[ She doesn't hesitate. He'll hear the door closed promptly behind her, but no footsteps preceding it. ]

And I told you --

[ She steps forward and reaches to touch the nearest spike with her bare fingers, a surprisingly comforting touch complementing a gentle if determined press. She's not going to stop moving forward. ]

-- that I'm not leaving you alone.

[blackbeastcoat]

[ The fact still remained that if he intended to hurt her seriously? He would have done so, as he had done so with people in the past when they bugged him. Some part of his mind knew she was trying to help, but he felt so vulnerable and raw right now that having someone see him in this state was just not something he could deal with. ]

Nobody should see me like this. I can't. I refuse.

[ Those spikes trembled and withdrew back into his clothing sharply, as he grabbed his pillow, pulled it out from where it'd been and covered his face with it. All while not facing her because he just didn't have the strength to do much else right at the moment. ]

[chichichi]

[ She sighs, but not in relief or even disappointment. Setsura doesn't know Akutagawa that well and, truthfully, she hasn't known Chuuya that long, but she's known Chuuya long enough and she knows Akutagawa is one of his. If he'd wanted to hurt her, he could have, but this, that lashing out -- it was just that and she presses quietly ahead. ]

I suppose I'll just have to be your "Nobody" for a while, then.

[ She says it softly as she sits beside him and gently places a hand atop his shoulder. Just that. ]

[blackbeastcoat]

[ The truth of the matter was that he didn't have the strength to argue against her persistence, emotionally drained. So when Setsura came over and put her hand on his shoulder? He didn't have the desire to push her away or hide any more than he already kind of was. ]

If you... insist.

[ For once, his exhaustion leaks into his voice and Akutagawa relaxed a little. Infact he's quiet for a moment or two, and then...? ]

She should have been allowed to stay here, not me.

[chichichi]

Akutagawa-san...?

[ She cants her head just so at that. She figured. She knew he was affected by Higuchi's loss -- "loss" feels right. They all are and... dealing with it in ways she's not yet familiar with, but to hear Akutagawa say something like that --

She waits. ]

[blackbeastcoat]

...tch. Neither of us had anything to go back to, but she deserved better.

[ Akutagawa's tone is a bit more bitter and cold, but directed more at himself than her. At least for a minute or two before he seems to deflate. His tone is a bit quieter when he continues, but still audible with the pillow over his head. ]

Even now... I... wonder if she ever did forgive me. For how I treated her prior to arriving here.

[chichichi]

[ She's quiet for a moment. ]

I don't know anything about your relationship with Higuchi-san before you arrived here and I can't speak for Higuchi-san, but I can say that you don't look at someone the way she looks at you and hold a grudge. Hers weren't the sort of eyes that looked at you like she wished you'd punish yourself either.

[blackbeastcoat]

...It's because she loved me, wasn't it?

[ Gods. He sounded even more tired now, but the sadness is still palpable even as he relinquished his grip on the pillow he'd been using to hide his face. ]

I was... out of tune with my emotions. I never had to... face them as I have had to here. I didn't realize I truly felt the same until recently... and failed to convey that to her.

[ A real sign Akutagawa had come quite far in these past months is the sheer fact he was able to admit things like this at all. The old him never would have even let another person into his room without much more of a fight. ]

[chichichi]

[ There's something about this, about the way Akutagawa is talking and Chuuya's reaction that doesn't make sense to her. ]

But you're from the same world, aren't you? Shigure-san and the others are working toward a way to preserve our memories. I'm sure you'll be able to properly convey your feelings to Higuchi-san.

[ She doesn't want to believe anything else. ]

[blackbeastcoat]

Unless she is to return to Nippon? It will never happen.

[ Akutagawa scoffs, the noise low and gruff. He's almost sounding annoyed but it's not really directed at her. ]

We both share the same world and inevitably, the same fate. [ He pauses a bit, and shifts to actually look at her almost tiredly. ] The dead have no voices of which to speak with.

[chichichi]

[ She searches his face for a moment. She recognizes that expression, just not on Akutagawa's face and it's never coupled with any sort of good thing. Speaking like that -- ]

Akutagawa-san, what do you mean?

[ -- like he, they are already dead, her heart twists in its cage. What does he mean? She feels him and he doesn't feel like he is.

What does he mean? ]

[blackbeastcoat]

I thought it would have been clear.

[ There's a definitive pause, then Akutagawa shifted his gaze downward as one hand reached up and touched against the side of his neck. ]

Outside of Nippon, I am dead. There is nothing for me to return to.

[ His hand falls away and something in his face turns a bit distant, almost regretful. ]

I was told that due to some interference from the man who had slain me, my body was revived in some beastly manner and is no longer 'me' anymore. The first one to see me like that was Higuchi whom I had killed prior to her arrival here.

[chichichi]

But you don't -- you don't feel like it. Higuchi-san didn't either, she was vibrant and alive and [ and ] you can't be!

[ He can't be. Higuchi, too. That's... ]

[blackbeastcoat]

We arrived here within mere seconds before our actual deaths, due to the time loops.

[ There's something resigned, but utterly calm as he looks at her now. Unphased by her reaction in the slightest. ]

That's all it is.

[chichichi]

I won't accept it!

[ She won't. Akutagawa and Higuchi, they're... ]

[blackbeastcoat]

It matters little if you accept it or not. That is the truth and it cannot be changed.

[ The stress on his body emotionally and having been curled up alone in his room prior to her intervening hasn't been good for him to say the least. ]

Had I not died then, I was not to last much longer past that point and I wished to die on my own ter--

[ He stopped short, body wracked with a coughing fit as he brought a hand up to his mouth. It didn't last long, but soon as his hand pulled back? There was definitely blood on his palm. ]

[chichichi]

[ She reaches for that bloodied hand, her grip firm as she pulls him level to lock gazes with him. Hers is intense, unwavering, blood between them. ]

Don't impose such limitations on me. Anything can be changed so long as you're alive and sometimes even after that. If I have to drag your soul kicking and screaming from the depths of some hell, I will.

[blackbeastcoat]

[ Since these small coughing fits always distracted him, he didn't catch her movement until she'd grabbed his hand and he looked up to find that intense gaze fixed on him. ]

...How would you manage that?

[ A tiny bit of irritation leaked into his voice but it wasn't entirely aimed at her as he brought up his free hand to place it against his chest. ]

Unless you can remove this damnable sickness from me, I will eventually die whether anyone wishes it or not.